Dispatch #19: 85 Thoughts on Parenting

You're doing great

I’ve been writing the following parenting-related list over the last week or so, as the mood strikes, and today I finished it off.

I feel I must add a note to people I don’t know, and who don’t know me: I have three kids, ages 11, 6, and 3. Please remember that I am only one parent, with only three kids, who are still quite young. (Insert what my husband Patrick calls “the obligatory privilege paragraph” here.) There is a whole world out there filled with parents and their kids, and everyone has a unique set of experiences and struggles. You are welcome to disagree and debate with me; you are not welcome to send me rude messages about this list, which I offer for free, with good humor and love. (I still occasionally get mean emails or DMs about this essay. Did you know I am an awful mother?!)

Also, of course: there are exceptions to every rule.

Here we go!

1. First, first, first: If you’re in a relationship with someone and you want to have a baby with that person, make sure your division of labor is as equitable and balanced as possible. Don’t have a baby with a useless person! Make sure your partner can do stuff: cook, clean, pick up the dry cleaning, call the plumber, make appointments, etc. (Or, hey, maybe they’re rich and can pay for all that stuff to be done. Cool.) Also: they need to be able to do this stuff without your management. You are not someone’s boss! This is a partnership! If you’re in a relationship without kids, and you already do most of the domestic labor (because it’s easier/fun/romantic/you’re “better” at it)….woo boy. The kid is going to be yours to take care of, plus you will have to do everything else you already did before the kid arrived. It’s the oldest tale. I hate when people on podcasts say, “Patriarchy!” like it’s a cute emoji to slap onto any old phrase, but the patriarchy really is what this is about. If you’re a hetero couple, I especially recommend you AND your partner read All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership. Start this conversation now.

2. I would like a single parent to write me a list like this one. I learn so much from my good friend who’s a single mom. I also love the book We Live for the We by Dani McClain for perspective on the topic.

3. I like the term “pregnant person” over “pregnant woman” not because I am woke but because it’s more accurate, has pleasing alliteration, and reminds the world that someone carrying a child is, in fact, a person. What a novel concept.

4. Let’s get some more support for parents up in here! Paid parental leave, childcare subsidies, higher salaries for teachers—you know, all that we need to show families we support them and want them to thrive.

5. We don’t (and can’t) raise children alone. Extended family, childcare providers, friends, and teachers have helped raise my kids. Angela Garbes’s new book, Essential Labor, is, well, essential reading on this topic.

6. First time pregnant people are, on average, eight days late.

7. I erased like 5 birth and labor-related tips/wisdom/opinions for fear of offending or boring you. Email/DM me for them.

8. I had one hospital birth that ended in an unplanned C-section and two home births. I really did explore the birth buffet so I’ve got a lot of stuff to say.

9. I was so rocked by my first child’s birth that I didn’t savor his newborn phase. And it was over before I knew it. I’m not going to say, “Make sure to enjoy it!” I’m going to say: If you don’t enjoy it, that’s okay. The existential heart of parenting is loss and longing, the sweet pain of time passing.

10. The reason I go check on my kids at night is not (only) because they’re so beautiful and angelic when they’re asleep. It’s also to make sure they’re still alive and breathing. Parenting is some deep shit!

11. Every phase will end. The bad ones. And the good.

12. Not showering (and/or washing your hair) because you’re so busy parenting is a weird flex. Take a fucking shower if you want to take one! The baby can cry through it if they must.

13. Once you let your kids eat anywhere but the table, you are done for. Accept the crumbs because there is no going back. If you cannot deal with the mess don’t open that door.

14. Related to this: being lazy or permissive even one time has long lasting consequences. This is especially the case when it comes to sleep stuff. You have to put in the time to get them to sleep where and when you want them to sleep. Sometimes, though, laziness/permissiveness wins out. That’s okay, too. It’s life!

15. That said, after about six weeks of age, my babies were put to bed awake so that they learn to fall asleep on their own

16. My kids have always fallen asleep on their own but none of them slept through the night until they were about eighteen months old. Breastfeeding babies, it seems, want to get up for that milky milk.

17. In the middle of the night I didn’t look at my phone while nursing in the rocking chair. Wow, my brain went to some psychedelic places.

18. Fed is best, don’t sweat the nursing stuff. However, I hope we can all agree that breastmilk itself is close to miraculous. Wowza.

19. Reading novels while nursing = the best.

20. My bed is for adults only…but if you want to share your bed with your kids, the cuddles are no doubt next level wonderful. If you’re co-sleeping by accident—well don’t complain (to me).

21. Give your kids the chills (“Spiders crawling up your back, bite you! bite you!”)

22. King of the Road is a great lullaby, as is Devil Town. Any song you love works.

23. You are doing great.

24. My oldest was ten when I got him a wallet and his first debit card. I can easily put money on it from my online banking and he can use it to buy himself a Boba or whatever after school. This teaches him independence, and I don’t have to have cash all the time.

25. Kiss your babies! Hold those tiny feet! Marvel at those earlobes! Another essential truth of parenting: it is a marvel.

26. Kids don’t need to listen to music for kids. Music is for everyone. Pop music is basically kids’ music anyway. Kate Bush casts a spell on all children. Play “Babooshka” and see what happens.

27. I said no music for kids, but: “Hard Knock Life” on the Annie soundtrack is lit. Jay-Z knew!

28. Make them save their money for stuff they really want, like a Nintendo Switch, which is way too expensive. It teaches them how to save funds for a goal.

29. Cut the negative body talk. I try to love my body, and laugh about it, and not say anything bad about it. Bodies are great and funny and useful and miraculous and weird.

30. Little kids love when Mom pelvic thrusts across the room. Big kids hate it.

31. It’s not enough to read to your kids. You have to read in front of your kids.

32. In another lifetime I will chill out about homework. Probably not this lifetime. It’s my struggle! I want straight A’s! I am lame and need to let go!

33. The “I’m not meant to be a mom” or “I’m not a good mother” self-talk is sexist poison that asks us to reify a maternal ideal that is forever unattainable. The world needs all kinds of mothers—and I believe that most of us are good (enough) mothers. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

34. People with only children have to deal with their kids guilting them about how they’re lonely without a sibling. People with multiple children have to deal with their kids saying they hate their siblings. The grass is always greener.

35. Not having kids—that’s great too!

36. Getting my oldest child assessed for neurological difference was liberating, illuminating, and validating for both parents and kid. Respecting that my child’s brain is different from mine is a lesson that I keep learning and relearning.

37. Most children start rejecting all kinds of food around age two. This is developmentally normal and can last for months, even years. My three kids have pretty different palates and I didn’t do much to influence them. My three-year-old still refuses anything green. I don’t push it.

38. If your kid eats everything, you aren’t a better parent than someone whose kid eats only french fries. Your kid isn’t better, either.

39. If your kid is generally well behaved and compliant, you aren’t a better parent than someone whose kid runs into traffic, licks all the products in the grocery store, or has trouble following directions at school. Your kid isn’t better, either.

40. One lesson that having more than one child has taught me is that so much is nature v. nurture. They’re just so different.

41. Sometimes a kid just needs you say, “It’s going to be okay.”

42. Making art is not anathema to raising kids, it’s just a struggle to find the time and space for art. You have to fight for it, and make it a priority. It is possible! You didn’t die, you had a kid! You can still be an artist!

43. A better artist than you were before, perhaps.

44. Having children has widened my perspective, forced me to slow down, and made me think deeply about human behavior and emotion in a way that I didn’t before I became a parent. All of this has helped my writing.

45. I’m sure my writing would have gone in other, equally interesting directions had I not had kids. But this is my life, and I was happy to choose it, so this is what I have to work with. I don’t think of it as writing v. mothering. I think of it as: writing and mothering, mothering and writing.

46. I am a happier mother when I’m writing regularly. That may require working instead of parenting. Maybe I daydream and turn irritable when the daydream gets interrupted. It definitely means I am protective of my time.

47. I love to go away to work and to come back from that work. My kids see I have a passion, and a focus on something, that I have a drive and a delight. I am more myself and that is better for everyone.

48. I want the same for them: to be themselves.

49. It’s okay to grieve the hours you didn’t get to work because you were doing school pick-up or wiping butts or making spaghetti or being annoyed at Target. It’s also okay to grieve your children while you went to do your thing.

50. Potty training—this is my method: soon after age two, I get a bunch of toys, some juice, and a bag of M&Ms. We stay home for 4-5 days, watching TV, drinking juice, the baby potty nearby. The child is naked, or close to it. They need to feel the pee going down their legs to understand what a non-diaper life is like! Every pee in the potty earns them an M&M. Every poop gets them a little toy from the bag of toys. It’s not bribery (oh hush), it’s a reward. The new undies are also a reward.

51. Pooping in the potty is the toughest hurdle and may take weeks (months) to totally master. It’s useful to remember that this is a big transition and can be scary to a young mind and body. Your child might prefer to potty train on their own, either earlier or later, but this method has worked for all three of my children and it worked best for me and my family. (Also, is the diaper industry behind pushing back the potty training age?! Hmmmm…)

52. One of my kids, upon potty training, stopped wearing diapers at nap time and at night. One wore them until age 5 and after that still peed in the bed for months. The youngest child, after almost a year of being potty trained, is slowly transitioning to the no-diaper sleep life without too much trouble. Bladders are as different as the kids who have them.

53. My mom always says that young kids will exert power and/or control in the two arenas they can get the most traction: the bathroom (withholding poop, typically) and the dinner table (refusing to eat). I do my best to not make a big deal in either arena. Or I try not to. (Note to add: if your kid is older and is still resisting, it’s worth going to see an expert to investigate any deeper issues and get help. I have a friend whose six-year-old kid has been withholding her bowel movements for a while now and it’s a whole THING that requires intervention. Sending love to this friend who is an incredible mother!)

54. Re: mother friends. Find them, cherish them, support them. Swap advice and stories of woe and pride. They’re the best.

55. Re: my mom. She raised five kids and babysat many others, and she is the main person I go to for advice on parenting challenges like sleeping, eating, etc. I’m puzzled by people who crowdsource advice online—too many cooks in the kitchen! I recommend finding a couple parents you respect and go to them for guidance. Seek out parents of older (or grown) children for their perspective.

56. Because I myself struggle with moderating my phone usage, I don’t let my kids use my phone. At restaurants and in lines and such, they can draw or play with toys, or just be bored. They may, on a bad day, run around the restaurant, or writhe on the floor. Sorry, people, they are kids, they get to be in the world, too.

57. My husband and I have warned our oldest that he won’t get a phone until he needs it for driving. We will see if we can hold out that long.

58. My kids are not allowed any screens on road trips. I get them new books, little figures, drawing stuff, and snacks and candy. They are fine. They look out the window, entertain themselves, fight, scream, cry, laugh, sleep, gnash their teeth, sing along to the music, talk, complain. Feeling bored is good for the soul.

59. You’re doing great.

60. I love TV because it entertains and is fun and relaxing. I prefer it over iPads or other personal devices because TV, by comparison, has a communal quality.

61. Look, if your kid uses an iPad, that’s fine.

62. My oldest child got a Nintendo Switch in June and he is so addicted that he has threatened to choke me for taking it from him after way too long playing. So.

63. You need no other reason for an abortion other than, “I don’t want this pregnancy.”

64. My children know I had an abortion.

65. If a kid is old enough to ask the question, they’re old enough to hear the answer.

66. Puberty creeps in before there is physical evidence. Mood swings, watch out!

67. Every generation believes they can parent better than the last, but every generation has its flaws—and its strengths. I bristle at the idea that Millennials or younger Gen-Xers are going to be better parents than the Baby Boomers. By “fixing” what our parents did wrong (or didn’t do that well, or didn’t do at all), we will unwittingly cause new, unforeseen problems. And that is okay! The nature of parenting is that it’s a complicated, imperfect, messy relationship.

68. We do not parent to optimize our offspring. These are people, not projects.

69. Sorry but you do have to teach your kid to tie their shoes.

70. In our house we value creativity, intelligence, generosity, and curiosity. With that comes irreverence, mess, independent thinking. If I wanted more disciplined, neater children, I would have to have different values. (That, or more time and patience. And fewer children.)

71. I want time to read/do word puzzles/talk to my husband/hang around with my phone/daydream. I must let my three kids make a chaos of my house so that I can pursue these pleasures.

72. My kids are required to dress and undress themselves at age three. (I know many kids do it earlier.) Dressing oneself is a challenge for some kids, and super easy for others.

73. Parenting experts make me feel bad. I wrote about my struggles with so called “gentle” parenting here.

74. Kids eat so much fucking fruit.

75. I lose my temper all the time. I also apologize to my children. I am honest. I am there for them always. I show them love. This is the best I can do.

76. Sorry but you have to teach a kid how to tell time on an analog clock.

77. Patrick’s advice: If your kids are acting extra crazed and wild, ask yourself, “When was the last time they ate?”

78. I start teaching my kids to read at age 4, and before that, I am discussing the letters and their sounds. I do this because I love to read and I enjoy teaching reading. Other parents might like to teach numbers and math. Other kids might just learn on their own (I learned to read on my own at age 3—almost a genius! I have a friend whose kid taught himself multiplication at 5—a true genius!). Some (most) kids learn these skills in school. It’s all fine. Do what you like, as a parent.

79. You’re doing great.

80. I’m practicing letting go of my oldest child as much as he is practicing being himself, by himself, out in the world. I’m excited for him to be a teenager in part because I think meeting it with dread will make it worse than it has to be.

81. I had three kids so that someday we can all go out to dinner, just a bunch of flawed, hilarious, beautiful adults, the loudest table. We will order drinks, share some tasty appetizers, try each other’s entrees. We will talk about the world, our lives, make jokes.

82. I just hope that I don’t fuck things up so badly that they won’t want to come dine with me when they’re on their own. I promise to pay the bill!

83. I love nuzzling a child’s neck. I hate listening to endless quotes from The Simpsons. I love reading to a child, and being read to. I hate the bedtime rituals (“Okay, here is one more sip of water…”). I love having deep conversations in the car. I hate adjudicating sibling quarrels. I love watching them play elaborate games of pretend. I hate meltdowns about grapes/homework/screen time. I love witnessing them becoming themselves. I hate the power struggles along the way. I love being a mother. I hate that it’s so hard. I love that it is so hard. Someday, I will likely miss everything, even what I hate.

84. I’m doing the best I can. So are you.

85. Most of this is subject to revision. I’m learning as I go.

What would you add?

xoxo
Edan