Dispatch #27: Who's in your hot tub?
Dispatch #27: Who's in your hot tub?
Let's get horny
Patrick and I are friends with a couple named Peter and Sierra, whom we call “our young friends.” They’re about 30 years old, but when I met Peter and Sierra, they were college students. I was in Portland on book tour for California, doing an event at Powell’s, and Peter and Sierra were perusing the store when they heard on the loud speaker that my reading was about to start. They decided to go. Afterward, they came up to me and asked if I wanted to go get some food—or maybe it was drinks? Either way, I said yes. (What can I say, I’m an extrovert.) Peter and Sierra are really funny and smart, and from that first evening we had the kind of effortless conversation that feels fated—either you’ve got it or you don’t. I saw them again on my next Portland tour stop, and then, after they finished college and got married, they moved to LA for graduate school. Lucky me, they’ve stayed here to pursue their professional careers.
Now my “young friends” are college professors! Plus, they live near us. Occasionally, Patrick and I meet them for dinner. Like us, Peter and Sierra love to eat, and we’ve had a couple of long, raucous meals together, filled with good wine and cocktails and plates upon plates of delicious food.
On one of these double dates, Peter and Sierra told us about this little parlor game called (or I’m calling) “Who’s in your hot tub?” It’s similar to the aisles game I wrote about a few months ago, in that it’s just a clever way to ask a pretty typical question, but the cleverness makes for great group conversation. In this case, the question is, “Who are your celebrity crushes?” except it’s re-imagined as you in a hot tub with your, say, top five or six (or seven?!) favorite hotties.
I love the image of a person in a jacuzzi, ringed by heartthrobs, the water steaming and frothy, roiling. It’s an over-the-top fantasy that makes me laugh. It’s also a terrific way to round up your imaginary lovers and find patterns, contrasts, and preferences.
Sierra calls it a “conversational think piece,” and she isn’t sure who came up with it—no doubt a friend in college. To her, the game is a “hall pass” game, meaning it’s a list of people you’re allowed to get with, even if you’re partnered. She says the hot tub image is a good constraint, since there are only so many hotties you can fit into a jacuzzi.
Peter, who teaches math, takes the question more literally: who are the celebs you would want to hang out with in a hot tub? He told me, “If you get a hookup out of it, that’s just a nice little bonus. Of course, there’s a sexual subtext to the whole thing, so you want to pick people who are hot, and not like, the pope. (Unless you’re into the ultimate daddy play, in which case no judgement from me.)”
Sierra says they like to play it with their hot friends (LOL, is this the incontrovertible proof I was looking for that I am hot?!), to promote “a spicy energy.” Peter says he likes asking the question because he hopes people will take risks answering. He says it builds a trust. “I guess Esther Perel would call this the erotic, and she’s kind of right.”
I love the game because you’re forced to choose a select group of people, and your choices reveal so much. Who and what do you find attractive and why? What do you value in a physical presence? What does your group, as a whole, say about your romantic leanings, your private desires?
So for this newsletter, I asked Peter and Sierra: Who’s in your hot tub?
Sierra says she’d include Jessica Williams. “I just ran into her at a bar in Eagle Rock and I *almost* told her that she was in my hot tub, but then decided that was sexual harassment and refrained.”
Now, I can see this. Jessica is tall and good looking, and she’s so funny—and in that way that makes you believe she’d be fun to hang with in real life. She also has a somewhat goofy horsey quality to her grin that makes me think she’d be a riot in bed.
Brandon Flowers, the singer of The Killers. Sierra says she’s had a crush on him since she was twelve. She told me, “He’s also aged really well, so I’m proud of that crush. I've met him twice, so that's 2/2 of meeting people in my hot tub.”
Now, interestingly, Brandon looks a bit like Peter! Methinks Sierra has a type because she also mentioned Orlando Bloom and Diego Luna, who I believe are on the same continuum. They’re all adolescent crushes for Sierra, which fascinates me. These are canon for her.
(I don’t think any of my adolescent crushes—Neil Patrick Harris, Luke Perry—would make the cut today, alas. My crushes are more spontaneous, less enduring.)
I’m too lazy to post a photo of Orlando Bloom: you all know what he looks like. I admit I get a pretty oily vibe from Mr. Bloom. I found Legolas sexy as fuck but everything after that…it’s a no for me. Orlando looks too much like an actor—like he’s had too many facials.
Meanwhile, I agree that Mr. Luna can get it. Sierra says, “Diego Luna was one of many sexual awakenings in Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. I met him at the Narcos: Mexico premiere in LA (I guess that means I've met half of people in my hot tub). He also aged well.”
Sierra also includes Adria Ajorna in her hot tub. I’d never heard of this actress. Sierra says, “I’m not sure if I want to be with her or be her.” I mean, Ms. Ajorna is beautiful. To me, though, she’s got that same problematic Orlando Bloom energy. She is too pretty, perhaps? This is saying more about my hot tub vibes! I can’t have perfection!
Also, I must say that Adria’s olive skin tone and general facial structure isn’t that far off from Sierra’s. Take that to the therapist, girl.
Both Sierra and Peter both have Rhianna in their hot tub.
Peter says, “Rihanna has to be there because she’s just pure sex, and I want that. In my hot tub fantasy, Rihanna would both be hot, and make everyone else be hot too.”
I love this idea: that one member can elevate the entire group. Hotness by osmosis.
By contrast, a choice might wreck the vibe.
Peter says, “I have a big crush on Aubrey Plaza, but I think I wouldn’t include her for the exact opposite reason as Rihanna. Like she’s sexy, but I feel like she’d make everyone else less sexy.”
Have you ever wondered if your sex appeal depreciates the hots of those around you? Something to worry about at 2 am.
Also in Peter’s hot tub are Rashida Jones (as Aubrey Plaza’s replacement) and Zendaya, who has the same face shape as Sierra, just so you know.
He also said he decided to pick Padma Lakshmi after watching this video of her eating hot chicken. I am Padma-agonistic, but this pick made me think about how devastatingly sexy I found Tom Colicchio when I watched Top Chef. I can just imagine Tom being my big bald husband and making me grilled cheese….or getting pissed at me for under-salting dinner.
ANYWAY.
Peter also includes StevenYeun in his hot tub, who, funny enough, is also in my hot tub.
I loved him in Minari—such a quiet presence—and then in Beef he is a sexy angry loser. I hate to say it, but losers who long to not be losers but just can’t articulate their needs are hot—so many sad sack men get women this way. It is a fact of LIFE.
He’s also got a terrific Adam’s Apple. You just know his wife sucks on that Adam’s Apple.
(I can’t believe there is a dude with a goatee in my hot tub. Life is full of surprises.)
Who else is in my hot tub?
I love a droll British man who perhaps will be mean to me but it’ll be with such caustic wit I will beg for more. Tom Burke, who stole my heart in The Souvenir, is this sort of Briton.
He’s got a sort of jolie laide thing going for him. Plus, the cleft lip scar! And his head! It’s big and dense as a pit bull’s!
A Brit on the other side of the spectrum is David Jonsson from the clever romantic comedy Rye Lane. Mr. Jonsson is so wonderfully boyish, with a disarming smile. He seems lovely and nice, and his sweetness is the draw. (Or…I may just want to make out with the green jacket he wears in that movie; if so, he will be wearing that in the hot tub.)
My last hot dude would be Edgar Ramirez, who, FYI, shows his dick in the miniseries Carlos. He's definitely in the same lane as Tom Burke, but also traditionally handsome.
Last, I’d like to nominate Adrianne Lenker and Buck Meek from the band Big Thief for my hot tub. They used to be married, and they’re still in a band together, and while I was in Wyoming ( “writing”) I watched this tiny desk concert from 2016. I watched it more than once. (Adrianne is the singer and Buck’s next to her on guitar.)
For one, who doesn’t want to fuck someone with the incredible name BUCK MEEK? The one-syllabic percussion! Second, who doesn’t want to fuck someone as talented at songwriting as Adrianne Lenker? Also, I like her bone structure.
I love this tiny desk concert because Adrianne and Buck are so into it. Adrianne sings from her soul, and Buck is grooving in his unique way: he does not give a shit that he appears deranged! Look at his neck! I can only imagine that they had a beautiful, uninhibited, playful, transcendent sex life; that they could continue as friends and artistic collaborators is a testament to their deep connection. They’re required to come to my hot tub and sing “Mary.”
I know there are others in my hot tub, but I was drawing a blank so I asked Patrick who’s in his. He came up with this list in five seconds—
Patricia Clarkson:
Jessica Chastain:
Kiersey Clemmons:
And FKA Twigs:
When I asked if he wanted to add a man in the mix, Patrick said, “Fine, Sam Shepard.” Then he added, as if this weren’t obvious: “Alive. When he was alive.”
So, for the record, he did not mean the corpse of Sam Shepard. I know Patrick meant a young living Sam S. He used to tell me if he could look like any other human, it would be him.
I wouldn’t mind if Sam dived into my jacuzzi.
Oh man, it’s getting hot in here!
*
So who’s in YOUR hot tub?
Dispatch #27: Who's in your hot tub?
Pedro Pascal!
Javier Bardem.