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LF's avatar

I implemented your suggestion of never giving a child a device out in public or in the car, and aside from a 3 hour bus ride from Seattle to Portland, I haven't caved on this. I am also pretty adamant about never handing him our cell phone. I was tested on this recently when our laptop did not pick up very good wifi on a plane, but our cell phones worked (for the most part). I ended up just switching seats with him so he could stare out the window and open and close the shutter (annoying, I know, but better than him opening and closing the tray table, which is his number one passion on an airplane). I felt triumphant when we kept him satisfied for about half the flight without the screen.

One thing I have noticed is how I like to use my phone while he is watching TV, and I see him trying to get my attention while I am on it. I know I need to change this, but I am so tired and it is hard for me to read or do other seated things when his shows are on. I like to be near him, to feel him next to me, but I know that I need to either go in a different room or find something else to do with my hands.

As a teacher, I find my district's reliance on digital curriculum and programs to be really frustrating because I would like to have a good balance of on- and offline work. I am not allowed to order class sets of novels, we don't have text books, and I am limited on paper, so it's very hard to get a good balance.

This piece was so thorough and helpful to read. Thank you for your vulnerability and encouragement on this topic!!!

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Emily W's avatar

Thank you so much for writing this piece! I often feel like a real outlier in terms of our family's attitudes towards screens (especially phones), so it is really nice to know that there are other folks out there making different choices. My daughters are 7 and 10 and the older one has been asking (and asking and asking) about phones - so many of her classmates (4th grade) started this school year with either phones or watches. I was shocked to see this happening at the beginning of this school year. Of course she started asking even more about getting a watch or phone and when I asked her what she thought she would do with it she said "everyone looks at their phones and watches at recess and I have nothing to look at." I found this absolutely chilling and heartbreaking (and told her so). At her 9 year well child check her pediatrician launched into a diatribe about kids and social media and phones - she said that what she is seeing in her teen patients is very very worrisome and much of it is linked to social media, so it has helped to be able to reference that conversation with our kid. We are resolute that neither of our kids will get a smart phone before high school and I really like your rationale around 16 being the right age so I may adopt it.

Meanwhile, we do let our older kid walk home from school (~1 mile in a residential neighborhood in Portland, OR), go to our library branch on her own, walk to the park, etc. and she is one of very very very few of her peers in the neighborhood who is permitted to do this. So many people say I should put an airtag in her backpack or get her a fitbit or something similar which I also find chilling and to be a total invasion of her privacy. And I feel very alone among my cohort of parents in our approach, but her confidence and overall wellbeing have so improved from getting more and more autonomy and unsupervised time to herself. Anyway, I'm rambling but just wanted to say that I am here in solidarity and am grateful for folks like you who share about these decisions publicly and honestly.

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