Dispatch #41: Shallow Thoughts

Turns out, there *is* such thing as a stupid question

Oof, it’s stressful out there! Here is a legitimately stupid list of various questions that have skipped through my brain lately. Consider it your much needed break from worrying about the state of the world and/or the end of US democracy! And please don’t forget to vote. Thanks.

1. Why does Annie’s Mac n Cheese instruct the pasta be cooked for 12-14 minutes? By then it’s mush!

2. Why do some people stand up and push their way into the aisle as soon as a plane lands?

3. Can we kill “gift” as a verb once and for all?

4. How much of Joan Didion’s popularity is related to her being thin?

5. When does pubic hair become leg hair?

6. Do Transformers toys go in the bin for vehicles, or the bin for monsters and animal figures?

7. Who is Steve G. (AKA Succinctly Steve) and how does he have time, the will, and the brainpower to do the New York Times Spelling Bee hints?

8. Why do we have to drag our children out of bed for school when, on the weekends, they wake up on their own before dawn?

9. Do you ever stop to wonder about the kind of underwear various presidential candidates wear?

10. Who can tell me the story behind Jennie Garth adopting that stretch of the 134 West right before you hit Pasadena?

11. Why did supermarkets introduce the second, smaller carts without also building the proper infrastructure to store these carts?

12. Should I pull into Romantix Adult Video & Gift Center on San Fernando Rd? What’s it like in there?

Why not Romantixxx?

10. Who has a Theragun I can borrow?

11. Should I put together an Oceans 11-like team to steal this portrait from Little Dom’s?

12. Would it help my book sales if I got arrested for a thing like that?

13. How has that young person covered in tattoos had enough time in their short lifetime to accumulate so many of those tattoos?

14. How did they get all the money to pay for those tattoos?

15. What is wrong with my foot?

16. What is wrong with my shoulder?

17. Are the foot and the shoulder things related?

18. Do you think any of the beautiful people in dance class think of me when we aren’t in class?

19. How different would my life have been if I had nicer teeth?

20. Would I ever be able to say Budapest the way it seems right to say it—Budapesht, I guess?—without feeling like a total fraud?

21. Are people holding themselves back from dancing at, say, a wedding? Or do they truly, honestly, not feel compelled to dance?

22. What is going on with Esther Perel and her podcast brand confusion?

23. Why do male friends of reality TV show contestants always have the same dork vibe?

    

    Do you think Tevon also auditioned for Love is Blind?

26. Why do nerds (the cape wearing ones) over-enunciate?

27. Why can’t I find a bra that’s comfortable and not-ugly?

28. Is it too late to do that Middlebury language program?

29. Should I do Italian—or, wait, French?!

30. Why do people from Oakland wear so much Oakland merch?

31. Who’s writing the 2,000-word think piece on the rise in goofy bumper stickers?

    

    I tried to get a photo of my neighbor’s “My other car’s a BMW: Big Massive Worm” bumper sticker but they’re not home, so here’s another example

32. What’s Elisha Cuthbert been up to?

33. Can we ban those extra-long and crunchy fake eyelashes? They’ve got to be a driving hazard!

34. Would my ancestors want me to be eating this protein bar?

35. Who came up with the “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt concept?

36. Is Sabrina Carpenter A.I.?

37. When can we retire the phrase “I see you” as a marker for listening and caring about someone?

38. Why do so many women at this supermarket have inflated duck lips?

39. Why do kids start talking about next year’s Halloween costume idea before this year’s Halloween has even ended?

40. You have a plan to vote, right?

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