My parents were totally flummoxed by my youngest brother because while the rest of us were very motivated by being ashamed of failing or of not having our homework done on time, he could not be made to be feel bad about doing poorly at school. It took becoming an adult for him to make the connection between the kind of work he hated doing as a kid and how much easier life is if you just get shit done. So much of doing homework is coping with the boredom of doing a task which has to get done, and for a lot kids it's like "Why on earth would anyone do this?" Welcome to making doctor's appointments, renewing your driver's license, and all the other adult stuff you can't escape from.
One useful thing you have in your favor is that Bean seems to feel bad when he does badly. Now he has to connect it to actually DOING the work. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. High school feels like the time when you really have to stop hovering a lot, if for no other reason than to not be the mom in constant danger of violating FERPA when he gets to college.
Yeah, there are tons of adult tasks that are just...the worst! And sometimes, too, you miss out on cool stuff if you don't get your shit together. I know my oldest will get better and get more mature--and he's gotten A LOT better in the past few years--I just don't want his choices narrowed because he was a super space cadet early on.
And yeah don't want him getting kicked out of college because of ME! :)
You do miss out but, after several years in higher ed and having seen older students circle back after gaps of a decade or more and do extremely well both at the undergraduate and graduate level, I'm discovering that it's rare for certain missed opportunities to be lost and gone forever.
Such a dilemma! I empathize - how to find the balance between micro-managing and letting go with homework. I want my kids to have ownership and to do it for themselves. I resent homework, I want them to learn for the sake of learning and not for the grade. When there’s too much homework it becomes all about the end result and whatever it takes to get it done, rather than learning. Which has lead to more kids cheating and exchanging homework in high school. Or there’s procrastination as a coping mechanism. If it’s just about an end result and not the process then it becomes an empty exercise. Kids shut down and distract themselves to avoid the anxiety and pressure. I wish evenings and weekends could be reserved for reading and family time. Homework creates a pressure cooker where everyone is miserable and it steals precious time that could be spent in a more meaningful and joyful way.
I totally agree with you--I hate homework for the sake of homework. The thing is, Bean's teachers do not do that. They're very intentional about when they assign work outside of class, so it's worse when he blows it off!
me, infuriated last night when my 9 year old flatly said "cool." when I told him I'd made him a plan for how much he needs to work/get done to get his Reading Response (to be clear, an absurd amount of work for a 4th grade) due on time. The correct response of course should have been "Thank you--will you show me how to do that myself so I can do it in the future? And it actually sounds strangely FUN to break down a big project into small digestible chunks!"
I started reading this, thinking it was something else, and just kept going. So relatable - my son is in 7th grade, ADHD, I have to stay hands off, and I'll never get back the summer before 2nd grade that I spent pushing him through the Handwriting Without Tears workbooks so he wouldn't lose all his writing skills before school started. Turns out, he also has dysgraphia...Ah, motherhood!
I feel like I just looked in a mirror. This is also our value— it is what it is, we are school/education people, my husband and I. My youngest (3rd) is the “asynchronous” developing one. My oldest, 6th, so far is not, but he still requires the kind of scaffolding and oversight you describe. I also so strongly don’t want to be the parent who is so involved in this, but In everything I seek out this is very common in boys this age and our school expectations are out of sync with their exec functioning development. And I think about how free range I was raised with zero of this support— single mom, six kids. BUT, all five of my brothers were off the charts smart and yet all of them dropped out of high school for one reason or another. So I’m not gonna “let it go” on this thing. I own it.
I think it's true that many kids (and perhaps boys in particular) need A LOT of scaffolding as they develop. And it seems to me that many teachers are hip to this fact these days, and accommodate and support. But I also think family support is really central at this stage. So many super smart kids (like your brothers) get lost without someone helping them organize, reach goals, etc.
Edan, you have described what happened in our house for years. My son was diagnosed early with a variety of different learning challenges that included dysgraphia, dyslexia, and dyscalculia. He managed with a 504 for years with the help of some exceptional teachers. He excelled in classes with tons of structure and flailed miserably when the teacher was more unstructured.
Our son's primary problem was that he read all day every day. He escaped what he did not understand by entering fictional worlds. He was less adept at sports or anything requiring fine motor skills. Looking forward, we knew he needed to go to college.
He graduated from high school, was accepted to several universities, and was able (with accommodations) to graduate. He graduated from law school and is now a practicing lawyer despite not being able to use scissors in 3rd grade.
Keep up the good work with Bean. While it feels like nagging and harassment, parenting requires coordinated use of the clutch, gas pedal, and the break. As long as the kids know how much you love them and that you are in their corner to fight for them when necessary- they will be fine.
Hahah oh gosh I loved this - especially the line about barking multiplication. I have a notes app on my phone for all the random math facts they have to memorize!
My nine year old daughter cannot for the life of her focus in class with math - she doesn’t pay attention, gets behind, then panics and never catches up. I grew up thinking I was bad at math but merely because I didn’t actually listen when I was young so I really didn’t want that to happen either her. Also I’m an accountant and loooove numbers now!
Now I basically teach her 75% of her next year math during the summer and when she takes her standardized testing I am always so eager to see what the scores are also because it feels like validation that we’ve found a way to get to her - to work with her brain - to convince her she is good at math actually! I’m also just super competitive and goal oriented so that definitely is driving some of it.
She loves to write but for years her room would be littered with the start of great stories and her adhd meant they were never longer than a page. Her dad, who got his MFA but was diagnosed super late ( years later ) with ADHD always feels like he wasted time. So I explained all this to her - how writing is talent but mainly perseverance and somehow it clicked this year and she’s handwritten 50 pages! I’ve now become too eager to see what she does with it and am googling writing camps for NEXT summer?!?
My youngest catches on to things much easier but doesn’t want to ‘get ahead’ - so for the time being she’s escaping my extra academic attention, but her time will come!
I am laughing (and shivering with fear) about the phone note with the math facts! I think one of the reasons the multiplication race win stuck in my head and mattered so much is that I ended up telling myself I wasn't good at math. But what if I had better teachers/was pushed/believed in myself?! THE SKY IS THE LIMIT! (Nah, not really. Not for me and numbers...).
I am very chill with my kids and math--they just have to do the work and try their best. But no way can they do that in reading/English class. Only stellar performances allowed.
This is a beautiful, authentic, and loving description of what it’s really like to navigate the support vs. independence tightrope with our kids (all kids, but especially those who are neurodiverse or otherwise challenged). There’s so much trying/adjusting/shifting/trying something else… And it’s fraught, because we care, and we’re imperfect, and they’re constantly changing. Love means trying again!
My oldest is almost 8 and I am struggling to find the balance between encouraging and independence. He is motivated but has no concept of time passing- we are all ND in our family and I have the super fun anxiety/ADHD combo. Both my kids excel academically but task initiation and transitions are incredibly difficult and at home things don’t happen without strong encouragement on my part.
Ahhh thank you for the rules vs. values frame! When my kids whine about how I make them take music lessons I solemnly intone "this is just something we do in this family" which they do not find very convincing, surprisingly
Good study habits and homework prepare kids for college. My parents should have understood this but they didn’t. Luckily I took a summer studies program that taught me this or I would not have succeeded in college. College isn’t for everyone but I think it probably is for your kids. My kids knew that if they did well in school I let them pretty much do what they want. I was lucky as that worked out. I think your instincts are correct. Keep the pressure on. Heat and pressure producers diamonds.
My parents were totally flummoxed by my youngest brother because while the rest of us were very motivated by being ashamed of failing or of not having our homework done on time, he could not be made to be feel bad about doing poorly at school. It took becoming an adult for him to make the connection between the kind of work he hated doing as a kid and how much easier life is if you just get shit done. So much of doing homework is coping with the boredom of doing a task which has to get done, and for a lot kids it's like "Why on earth would anyone do this?" Welcome to making doctor's appointments, renewing your driver's license, and all the other adult stuff you can't escape from.
One useful thing you have in your favor is that Bean seems to feel bad when he does badly. Now he has to connect it to actually DOING the work. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. High school feels like the time when you really have to stop hovering a lot, if for no other reason than to not be the mom in constant danger of violating FERPA when he gets to college.
Yeah, there are tons of adult tasks that are just...the worst! And sometimes, too, you miss out on cool stuff if you don't get your shit together. I know my oldest will get better and get more mature--and he's gotten A LOT better in the past few years--I just don't want his choices narrowed because he was a super space cadet early on.
And yeah don't want him getting kicked out of college because of ME! :)
You do miss out but, after several years in higher ed and having seen older students circle back after gaps of a decade or more and do extremely well both at the undergraduate and graduate level, I'm discovering that it's rare for certain missed opportunities to be lost and gone forever.
That is true--easy to lose the forest for the eighth-grade-progress-report-trees!
Such a dilemma! I empathize - how to find the balance between micro-managing and letting go with homework. I want my kids to have ownership and to do it for themselves. I resent homework, I want them to learn for the sake of learning and not for the grade. When there’s too much homework it becomes all about the end result and whatever it takes to get it done, rather than learning. Which has lead to more kids cheating and exchanging homework in high school. Or there’s procrastination as a coping mechanism. If it’s just about an end result and not the process then it becomes an empty exercise. Kids shut down and distract themselves to avoid the anxiety and pressure. I wish evenings and weekends could be reserved for reading and family time. Homework creates a pressure cooker where everyone is miserable and it steals precious time that could be spent in a more meaningful and joyful way.
I totally agree with you--I hate homework for the sake of homework. The thing is, Bean's teachers do not do that. They're very intentional about when they assign work outside of class, so it's worse when he blows it off!
me, infuriated last night when my 9 year old flatly said "cool." when I told him I'd made him a plan for how much he needs to work/get done to get his Reading Response (to be clear, an absurd amount of work for a 4th grade) due on time. The correct response of course should have been "Thank you--will you show me how to do that myself so I can do it in the future? And it actually sounds strangely FUN to break down a big project into small digestible chunks!"
RIGHT?!
I started reading this, thinking it was something else, and just kept going. So relatable - my son is in 7th grade, ADHD, I have to stay hands off, and I'll never get back the summer before 2nd grade that I spent pushing him through the Handwriting Without Tears workbooks so he wouldn't lose all his writing skills before school started. Turns out, he also has dysgraphia...Ah, motherhood!
Ah motherhood indeed! xoxo
I feel like I just looked in a mirror. This is also our value— it is what it is, we are school/education people, my husband and I. My youngest (3rd) is the “asynchronous” developing one. My oldest, 6th, so far is not, but he still requires the kind of scaffolding and oversight you describe. I also so strongly don’t want to be the parent who is so involved in this, but In everything I seek out this is very common in boys this age and our school expectations are out of sync with their exec functioning development. And I think about how free range I was raised with zero of this support— single mom, six kids. BUT, all five of my brothers were off the charts smart and yet all of them dropped out of high school for one reason or another. So I’m not gonna “let it go” on this thing. I own it.
I think it's true that many kids (and perhaps boys in particular) need A LOT of scaffolding as they develop. And it seems to me that many teachers are hip to this fact these days, and accommodate and support. But I also think family support is really central at this stage. So many super smart kids (like your brothers) get lost without someone helping them organize, reach goals, etc.
Edan, you have described what happened in our house for years. My son was diagnosed early with a variety of different learning challenges that included dysgraphia, dyslexia, and dyscalculia. He managed with a 504 for years with the help of some exceptional teachers. He excelled in classes with tons of structure and flailed miserably when the teacher was more unstructured.
Our son's primary problem was that he read all day every day. He escaped what he did not understand by entering fictional worlds. He was less adept at sports or anything requiring fine motor skills. Looking forward, we knew he needed to go to college.
He graduated from high school, was accepted to several universities, and was able (with accommodations) to graduate. He graduated from law school and is now a practicing lawyer despite not being able to use scissors in 3rd grade.
Keep up the good work with Bean. While it feels like nagging and harassment, parenting requires coordinated use of the clutch, gas pedal, and the break. As long as the kids know how much you love them and that you are in their corner to fight for them when necessary- they will be fine.
Thank you, Katie! It seems like the end of the world when they can't use scissors, even though you know it's not! xoxo
Hahah oh gosh I loved this - especially the line about barking multiplication. I have a notes app on my phone for all the random math facts they have to memorize!
My nine year old daughter cannot for the life of her focus in class with math - she doesn’t pay attention, gets behind, then panics and never catches up. I grew up thinking I was bad at math but merely because I didn’t actually listen when I was young so I really didn’t want that to happen either her. Also I’m an accountant and loooove numbers now!
Now I basically teach her 75% of her next year math during the summer and when she takes her standardized testing I am always so eager to see what the scores are also because it feels like validation that we’ve found a way to get to her - to work with her brain - to convince her she is good at math actually! I’m also just super competitive and goal oriented so that definitely is driving some of it.
She loves to write but for years her room would be littered with the start of great stories and her adhd meant they were never longer than a page. Her dad, who got his MFA but was diagnosed super late ( years later ) with ADHD always feels like he wasted time. So I explained all this to her - how writing is talent but mainly perseverance and somehow it clicked this year and she’s handwritten 50 pages! I’ve now become too eager to see what she does with it and am googling writing camps for NEXT summer?!?
My youngest catches on to things much easier but doesn’t want to ‘get ahead’ - so for the time being she’s escaping my extra academic attention, but her time will come!
I am laughing (and shivering with fear) about the phone note with the math facts! I think one of the reasons the multiplication race win stuck in my head and mattered so much is that I ended up telling myself I wasn't good at math. But what if I had better teachers/was pushed/believed in myself?! THE SKY IS THE LIMIT! (Nah, not really. Not for me and numbers...).
I am very chill with my kids and math--they just have to do the work and try their best. But no way can they do that in reading/English class. Only stellar performances allowed.
Oy vey! Poor kids!
This is a beautiful, authentic, and loving description of what it’s really like to navigate the support vs. independence tightrope with our kids (all kids, but especially those who are neurodiverse or otherwise challenged). There’s so much trying/adjusting/shifting/trying something else… And it’s fraught, because we care, and we’re imperfect, and they’re constantly changing. Love means trying again!
Thank you so much! This means a lot to me. Thanks.
My oldest is almost 8 and I am struggling to find the balance between encouraging and independence. He is motivated but has no concept of time passing- we are all ND in our family and I have the super fun anxiety/ADHD combo. Both my kids excel academically but task initiation and transitions are incredibly difficult and at home things don’t happen without strong encouragement on my part.
It seems tough to teach skills if you also struggle with that same skill--but it's also good, I would think, as you can relate to their struggles!
It’s very relatable, I just wish I could impart more of the coping skills I learned over the years.
Ahhh thank you for the rules vs. values frame! When my kids whine about how I make them take music lessons I solemnly intone "this is just something we do in this family" which they do not find very convincing, surprisingly
Now you have a new bumper sticker for them: MUSiC IS A VALUE, NOT A RULE
Good study habits and homework prepare kids for college. My parents should have understood this but they didn’t. Luckily I took a summer studies program that taught me this or I would not have succeeded in college. College isn’t for everyone but I think it probably is for your kids. My kids knew that if they did well in school I let them pretty much do what they want. I was lucky as that worked out. I think your instincts are correct. Keep the pressure on. Heat and pressure producers diamonds.
All true, Mitchy! That's what I tell my kids: if you do well in school you get A LOT more freedom!