Dispatch #49: Notes to Self
It's my birthday and I have opinions
Happy Groundhog Day! Today I am 45 years old.
I’ve written a list about parenting, and this one about writing, and I crowdsourced this one about marriage. Five years ago I posted a list for my 40th birthday.
To celebrate being halfway across this decade, I wrote 45 thoughts on all sorts of topics, be it parenting, writing, living, loving, reading, dancing….and…being…?!
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Okay, here’s the list—
Kiss and cuddle your kids as much as you can while you can.
The problem with your manuscript is not a character flaw on your part: it’s not that you aren’t smart or talented enough. The problem with your manuscript is a craft problem within the manuscript itself. There’s a craft solution—you just have to find it.
Your child is listening to, and absorbing, how you talk about your own body and other people’s bodies.
Go ahead, light those candles at dinner time.
Marry someone you love talking to, who makes you laugh, and who knows what you need to feel like yourself.
Playing Radiohead’s Kid A or Devo’s Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo! will calm down a car full of kids.
Cultivate at least one hobby that you don’t monetize, that can thrive outside any rubric of public achievement. Do it purely for pleasure.
If your dentist is mean, change your dentist.
Your child is noticing how you spend your idle moments.
Before you order the lemonade or the Arnold Palmer, make sure it’s not Minute Maid or some other plastic-flavored dross.
Having three children is exponentially louder than having one or even two children. You must embrace (or tune out) the chaos—otherwise, be flattened.
Mickey’s face says it all
Call your representatives, get involved in your local community, and practice activism for the issues you care most about.
Don’t crowdsource your parenting decisions.
Stop maligning bread. Bread is life!
You’ll never convince me that Rothy’s are anything but Silicon Valley propaganda disguised as fashion.
The imagined mother with infinite patience is a fiction.
I’ve never used ChatGPT and I don’t understand why most people would. It’s lame as hell, for starters.
Reading + a hot bath = heaven.
Portrait of moi by Ginger
Don’t buy a house on septic
Treasure the friends you’ve known forever.
The strongest dancers in my dance class take the combo and make it their own. Like all great artists, they combine foundational technique with a unique wildness. And they commit to it. A lesson for artists of any medium.
Wrinkles are sexy because they convey clarity with, and confidence in, one’s present moment.
If you stopped a reading habit and can’t seem to get back into it, or if you were never a big reader but want to do it more: you have to stretch the time you spend reading. It takes a while to replace the “hey look I’m reading!” feeling with authentic immersion and emotional engagement. Just trust that you’ll lock in; if you don’t, choose a different book.
All sorts of emotional and physical dysregulation can be cured with movement and/or exercise.
For goodness’ sake, wait your turn to exit a plane.
Fillers are making everyone look weird, but especially men, who do not have the luxury of blaming their oppression. Guys? You look ridiculous! (Fake lips are also a scourge. When I see them I think, “This person rejected their own DNA to look like they had an allergic reaction to shellfish.”)
When your teenager is mean to you, it may be because something bad happened in their personal lives and they’re taking it out on you.
If you don’t trust parenting advice from your own parents, find a friend further along in the childrearing timeline than you and let them become your guide. (But also, for most people: not everything your parents did was wrong; your task is not to perfect parenting—please.)
No matter how productive or exhilarating your previous writing session was, resistance will probably return in time for the next one. That’s okay. Show up anyway. Open the doc. See what’s in there. Have fun.
Eucalyptus leaves make a lovely (and affordable) floral arrangement, and they last a long time.
It’s hard to take technology away from children. It’s easier to never introduce it.
Take social media and email off your phone. Scrolling is not going to make you feel better. It’s also not the same as political action.
When you see a cute dog, make sure to say, “Hey look at that dog.”
hey look at that dog Don’t get your kid a Tamagotchi unless you’re prepared to be a grandparent of a Tamagotchi.
Once certain phrases, popularized on the internet, get overused— “touch grass” or “asking for a friend” or “one hundred percent” —it’s time for you to realize you are a unique individual worthy of original thought, and retire these cliches in favor of more surprising language that accurately captures your varied and rich experiences.
Kids don’t need more than one structured, extracurricular activity. Let them do nothing. Boredom breeds creativity.
Participate in volunteer work and don’t crow about it afterward.
Except in a couple of specific baking scenarios, unsalted butter is better than salted butter. If you want salt, you can add it: you better believe your own salt is better than what’s in that salted butter.
Invest in a high quality, vintage jean jacket.
Kissing is fun and don’t you forget it.
Try giving your anxiety a name and separate it from yourself. (“Thanks, for airing your concerns, Priscilla, but I’ll take it from here.”)
Just because your teenager’s process of individuation is normal doesn’t make it any less painful.
The thrill of publishing the book will never compare to the thrill of writing the book. Writing is challenging but it’s also such a special gift to create a world that’s all your own.
There is still so much to learn.
It’s your birthday! Wow, you’re alive! Enjoy it!
Tell me which ones of these resonate with you—or utterly repel you! What should I add?
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"Thanks, for airing your concerns, Edan, but I'll take it from here." 😬
Happy birthday!! I needed #8 in my 20s when I inexplicably stayed with a mean dentist for YEARS. She made me cry on multiple occasions! Life is too short!